Episode 16: The Last 5 Commandments
Marriage and Virginity
An opening mediation
“God loves you despite your unworthiness. It is his love which will make you better rather than your betterment which will make him love you. ”
This week we explore continue exploring the way we should live. Sometimes the hardest rules to understand and follow are the rules concerning how we treat one another sexually. But the Church teaches that sexuality is a great gift from God. But it also teaches that those who are not called to marriage are capable of no less love than others.
Marriage and Virginity*
158. "Many people who are unmarried are not only devoted to their own family but often render great service in their group of friends, in the Church community and in their professional lives. Sometimes their presence and contributions are overlooked, causing in them a sense of isolation. Many put their talents at the service of the Christian community through charity and volunteer work. Others remain unmarried because they consecrate their lives to the love of Christ and neighbor. Their dedication greatly enriches the family, the Church and society".
159. Virginity is a form of love. As a sign, it speaks to us of the coming of the Kingdom and the need for complete devotion to the cause of the Gospel (cf. 1 Cor 7:32). It is also a reflection of the fullness of heaven, where "they neither marry not are given in marriage" (Mt 22:30). Saint Paul recommended virginity because he expected Jesus' imminent return and he wanted everyone to concentrate only on spreading the Gospel: "the appointed time has grown very short" (1 Cor 7:29). Nonetheless, he made it clear that this was his personal opinion and preference (cf. 1 Cor 7:6-9), not something demanded by Christ: "I have no command in the Lord" (1 Cor 7:25). All the same, he recognized the value of the different callings: "Each has his or her own special gift from God, one of one kind and one of another" (1 Cor 7:7). Reflecting on this, Saint John Paul II noted that the biblical texts "give no reason to assert the 'inferiority' of marriage, nor the 'superiority' of virginity or celibacy" based on sexual abstinence. Rather than speak absolutely of the superiority of virginity, it should be enough to point out that the different states of life complement one another, and consequently that some can be more perfect in one way and others in another. Alexander of Hales, for example, stated that in one sense marriage may be considered superior to the other sacraments, inasmuch as it symbolizes the great reality of "Christ's union with the Church, or the union of his divine and human natures".
160. Consequently, "it is not a matter of diminishing the value of matrimony in favor of continence". "There is no basis for playing one off against the other... If, following a certain theological tradition, one speaks of a 'state of perfection' (status perfectionis), this has to do not with continence in itself, but with the entirety of a life based on the evangelical counsels". A married person can experience the highest degree of charity and thus "reach the perfection which flows from charity, through fidelity to the spirit of those counsels. Such perfection is possible and accessible to every man and woman".
161. The value of virginity lies in its symbolizing a love that has no need to possess the other; in this way it reflects the freedom of the Kingdom of Heaven. Virginity encourages married couples to live their own conjugal love against the backdrop of Christ's definitive love, journeying together towards the fullness of the Kingdom. For its part, conjugal love symbolizes other values. On the one hand, it is a particular reflection of that full unity in distinction found in the Trinity. The family is also a sign of Christ. It manifests the closeness of God who is a part of every human life, since he became one with us through his incarnation, death and resurrection. Each spouse becomes "one flesh" with the other as a sign of willingness to share everything with him or her until death. Whereas virginity is an "eschatological" sign of the risen Christ, marriage is a "historical" sign for us living in this world, a sign of the earthly Christ who chose to become one with us and gave himself up for us even to shedding his blood. Virginity and marriage are, and must be, different ways of loving. For "man cannot live without love. He remains a being that is incomprehensible for himself, his life is senseless, if love is not revealed to him".
162. Celibacy can risk becoming a comfortable single life that provides the freedom to be independent, to move from one residence, work or option to another, to spend money as one sees fit and to spend time with others as one wants. In such cases, the witness of married people becomes especially eloquent. Those called to virginity can encounter in some marriages a clear sign of God's generous and steadfast fidelity to his covenant, and this can move them to a more concrete and generous availability to others. Many married couples remain faithful when one of them has become physically unattractive, or fails to satisfy the other's needs, despite the voices in our society that might encourage them to be unfaithful or to leave the other. A wife can care for her sick husband and thus, in drawing near to the Cross, renew her commitment to love unto death. In such love, the dignity of the true lover shines forth, inasmuch as it is more proper to charity to love than to be loved. We could also point to the presence in many families of a capacity for selfless and loving service when children prove troublesome and even ungrateful. This makes those parents a sign of the free and selfless love of Jesus. Cases like these encourage celibate persons to live their commitment to the Kingdom with greater generosity and openness. Today, secularization has obscured the value of a life-long union and the beauty of the vocation to marriage. For this reason, it is "necessary to deepen an understanding of the positive aspects of conjugal love".
The Transformation of Love
163. Longer life spans now mean that close and exclusive relationships must last for four, five or even six decades; consequently, the initial decision has to be frequently renewed. While one of the spouses may no longer experience an intense sexual desire for the other, he or she may still experience the pleasure of mutual belonging and the knowledge that neither of them is alone but has a "partner" with whom everything in life is shared. He or she is a companion on life's journey, one with whom to face life's difficulties and enjoy its pleasures. This satisfaction is part of the affection proper to conjugal love. There is no guarantee that we will feel the same way all through life. Yet if a couple can come up with a shared and lasting life project, they can love one another and live as one until death do them part, enjoying an enriching intimacy. The love they pledge is greater than any emotion, feeling or state of mind, although it may include all of these. It is a deeper love, a lifelong decision of the heart. Even amid unresolved conflicts and confused emotional situations, they daily reaffirm their decision to love, to belong to one another, to share their lives and to continue loving and forgiving. Each progresses along the path of personal growth and development. On this journey, love rejoices at every step and in every new stage.
164. In the course of every marriage physical appearances change, but this hardly means that love and attraction need fade. We love the other person for who they are, not simply for their body. Although the body ages, it still expresses that personal identity that first won our heart. Even if others can no longer see the beauty of that identity, a spouse continues to see it with the eyes of love and so his or her affection does not diminish. He or she reaffirms the decision to belong to the other and expresses that choice in faithful and loving closeness. The nobility of this decision, by its intensity and depth, gives rise to a new kind of emotion as they fulfil their marital mission. For "emotion, caused by another human being as a person... does not per se tend toward the conjugal act". It finds other sensible expressions. Indeed, love "is a single reality, but with different dimensions; at different times, one or other dimension may emerge more clearly". The marriage bond finds new forms of expression and constantly seeks new ways to grow in strength. These both preserve and strengthen the bond. They call for daily effort. None of this, however, is possible without praying to the Holy Spirit for an outpouring of his grace, his supernatural strength and his spiritual fire, to confirm, direct and transform our love in every new situation.
*POST-SYNODAL APOSTOLIC EXHORTATION AMORIS LÆTITIA OF THE HOLY FATHER FRANCIS, Chapter 4.
Weekly
Prayer
Intentions
To be prayed daily
Pause for some silence
Pause for some silence
The Sign of the Cross
Start by touching your right hand to your forehead, then your stomach, followed by your left and right shoulders while saying "In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, Amen"
Alternative Opening Prayer, Solemnity of the Sacred Heart
Father, we honor the heart of your Son, broken by our cruelty, Yet symbol of love's triumph, pledge of all that we are called to be.
Teach us to see Christ in the lives we touch and to offer him living worship By love-filled service to our brothers and sisters.
We ask this through Christ, our Lord. Amen.
Specific intentions:
Lord, help me live my life chastely.
Lord, help me to live my life honestly.
Lord, help me to be a good steward of the gifts you have bestowed upon me.
Personal intentions:
Please add your own intentions here.
Our Father:
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
Glory Be:
Glory be to the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be world without end, Amen.
Weekly
Journal
Prompt
Weekly Readings
With this week's readings we have been thinking about how we are supposed to interact with our fellow man to preserve both their full human dignity and our own. As Jesus says, "Love your neighbor as yourself." Of the Commandments we have been discussing, is one harder to follow than another? Does it surprise you how many decisions can be governed by 7 simple guiding principles? Take a few minutes to write down your thoughts on these personal reflections.
Click on the Link to download each of the articles for further reading this week.
6th Commandment
Why is marriage and chastity important? Click here to download
7th & 8th Commandments
Where is line on stealing and lying? Click here to download
9th & 10th Commandments
What does it mean to covet? Click here to download
Weekly Activity:
Modest Living
Let's be honest. Nothing about the modern preferences are modest. It is a loud and boisterous rollercoaster where everything is permissible and when it comes to clothing less always seems to be more. This week our activity is to take a hard look in our closets and ask ourselves some hard questions.
Are my clothes modest? Am I willing to change the way I dress? Do I need to?
This week we are all going to take some stock of our closets. (Men too!)
For Women: The important question to ask is "Do my clothes allow people to see how beautiful I am?" Does that come from them responding to my human dignity or by solely contemplating my physical assets?
How much of my underwear is visible through my clothing (sorry, straps included)?
Are any of my clothes configured purposefully to discourage my wearing of a piece of my underwear underneath?
Checking the lows and highs: Are any of my v-necks low enough that I have to think about someone seeing the front of my bra? Are any of my skirts or shorts high enough that the tips of my fingers touch my leg instead of the cloth when I have my airs flat at my sides?
How tight are my clothes, especially my leggings, yoga pants, or jeans? Do I have longer shirts, tunics or dresses to layer them with?
Does my bathing suit cover more of my skin than my underwear?
Does anything in my closet actually make me uncomfortable when I wear it?
For Men: Modesty isn't just for women. Ask yourself the following question "What does how I dress say about myself?" Do my clothes encourage people to take me seriously or not?
Could any of the clothing I wear out of my room/house double as pajamas? Should I really be wearing sweatpants outside?
How skinny are my skinny jeans? Do they outline more than I want them to?
How many of my clothes are particularly designed to show off how much I have been working out or some particular physical attribute?
Do any of my clothes have holes in them?
How often am I outside without my shirt on?
How much of my clothing is designed to impress someone with how trendy or expensive it is?